March 08, 2010
At 32 weeks
For the last few weeks, I've found myself saying that "I just feel so pregnant." I continue to be blessed with a remarkably easy pregnancy, so I'm definitely not complaining. It does sneak up on me, though. I'm not sleeping well and so by the end of the day my body just feels so heavy that all I want to do is lie down. Speaking of heavy, this daughter of mine seems to have had her 2nd trimester growth spurt and my belly feels so stretched and big. My back hurts, just a nagging ache that I know is about both not finding a good sleeping position and that heavy belly. I am amazed by my appetite, and the constant heartburn that accompanies it. (If this kid isn't born with a head full of hair, I'm going to be shocked.) The baby still does cartwheels through my uterus, but her new favorite game is to wedge herself in to a corner where she becomes a very painful lump. And yet... its so cool. It must be the only time when physical discomfort is as thrilling as it is uncomfortable. There's a person growing in there.
And I'm her Mom. I realized today that I've stopped thinking of myself as just a pregnant woman, and I've started to think of myself as her mother. I'm guessing its something about the reality of the growing belly and the strong movements. But, whatever it is, there is no question that I feel like a mother now. And I will never again not be a mother. Even if tragedy should strike, she will always have been my child and me her mother. I know this feeling will grow and that what it means to me will change dramatically come July, and then again a hundred times after. But for right now, I'm just trying to wrap my mind around what my heart already knows. I'm a mother.